Me, Me, Me.

It's so easy to focus on the aspects of a job that irritate you, frustrate you, make you want to quit. If I said I was consistently positive, uplifting, and content with every aspect of my career, I'd be lying. I try to focus on the good and then something else is brought to the forefront of my mind and I feel the irritation begin to set in. All of a sudden my mind is brought to a tail spin filled with negative feelings and I want to quit right then and there. Iv'e found a theme to these thoughts and it starts and ends with the words "me" or "I". I feel irritated because it's not what I would have done or the way I think it should be. My thoughts are focused on what would make me feel a little more comfortable or satisfied. I've been reminded of my selfishness and conceit. This was not the example Jesus laid out for me.

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

'He committed no sin and no deceit was found in his mouth.'

When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate, when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he (kept) entrusting himself to him who judges justly."

1Peter2:21-23

Jesus knew no sin and committed no sin. He loved the unlovable. He enjoyed company with the outcast, burdened, and downtrodden. He spoke edifying words of life. He consistently entrusted himself to God His Father. He set out most of His time to be with His Father in prayer and solitude. He did nothing out of vain conceit yet considered others better than Himself. He healed the brokenhearted and spoke with authority. 

This. This is my example. 

Jesus consistently reminds me that I can do nothing without Him because I, at my core, am selfish. At my core, I want what's best for me. Jesus reminds me that without Him moving and speaking through Me, my life has no meaning. Jesus reminds me that He loves me so much that He died for me and trusted me to be a vessel for Him to dwell. Jesus reminds me that I have the honor and responsibility to be an example of Him daily - at work, at home, in the grocery, at the gym. Jesus not only reminds me of these things but also gives me the strength to love beyond my capability and let Him be the judge in all situations. 

I know Him and I have a responsibility to be His example.

Jesus, help me. Forgive me for the poor example I can be and thank you for calling my name as You were nailed to the cross. I am forever grateful. Amen.

The Father's Heart

What a beautiful whirlwind this past summer and beginning of fall has been. Lots of things have happened. Summer trips and lazy summer days, having a boy that I love drop down on one knee, and a new start to the school year. This has been an unforgettable season of life, full of joy and learning.

Through it all, I've been learning about the Father's heart for His people. He loves us with abounding love. He loves us so much that He would map out every detail of our lives for our good and for His glory. While there are trials and hard seasons, it develops perseverance and character, all for His glory. God is love. I'm learning those simple three words now more than ever.

Being engaged has taught me more than I could ever explain. I've been convicted of selfishness and pride and am learning to walk in humility and undeserved grace. God has shown his love through remarkable ways - details of Daniel and I's relationship - knitting our hearts together to become one. He says, "...the one who trusts will never be dismayed." (Isaiah 28:16) He has sewn together a love story between Daniel and I that I never could have imagined on my own. My prayers have been more than fulfilled in this sweet man of God that will soon be my husband. I have not been dismayed.

"...so in Christ all will be made alive." 1Corinthians 15:22

While big life changes are about to happen and starting a new school year has been crazy, it has been easy for me to feel overwhelmed rather than rest in God's presence, to be still and know that He is God. The world tells you and the enemy absolutely wants you to start feeling this way, to doubt the Lord's goodness and providence in your life. I've been learning discipline, to submit my thoughts to the One who has made me new and alive. He reminds me, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1Peter 2:9 

Father, forgive me for my arrogance. Teach me humility, teach me to think of others before myself. Thank you for this crazy beautiful season of life. I pray my heart would be still before You. Teach me discipline and continue to press Your Word upon my heart. You are Love. Thank you for showing me Your Love in sweetest ways. Amen.

Take A Stand.

I have had so many thoughts since the last time I wrote. Lots of jumbled up, truth bearing, uncomfortable thoughts. These past few months at school have taught me a lot about myself as well as who the Lord calls us to be as believers. I tend to sit back and be a bystander. This is the opposite of how we are called to live.

If we are truly walking the walk and talking the talk - living out the Word of God - then everyday we will face some sort of contradiction, push back, or discomfort. It's to be expected. 

Paul says clearly, "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived." (2Timothy3)

..and again, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

(Romans5)

Paul reminds us that we should take delight in suffering, push-back, and discomfort. We take delight because it is then that we are truly being obedient, we are truly standing firm in what we know as Truth, and we are truly living as God's sons and daughters. Easy? Absolutely not.

He calls us to absolute surrender which leads to absolute obedience. 

If the Truth is within us we cannot stand for actions, thoughts, and desires of the world. This is what I've been learning day after day at school. I will not stand for obeying what the world says is "easy" or "comfortable" - I will stand firm in the Word of God and I will persevere through the discomfort. 

I'll take a stand for the One who took a stand for me. He embodies all I will ever need and He, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, sent His one and only Son to save both you and I.

So again, I'll take a stand for the One who took a stand for me.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Snow Day Thoughts.

What a glorious morning.

As a little girl snow days consisted of waking up early, putting on every bit of clothing known to man, and sledding down our neighbors massive hill until our pants were wet and fingers were frozen. Sleep did not happen because the excitement of waking up to a winter wonderland was too much to bear.

As a teacher snow days are a gift from God. Sleep is restful because you know you have the entire next day to yourself. Your mind is at ease because you know you won't be needed every second of the day. The pressures of performing well go out the window and all that's left to do is sit with a cup of coffee and gaze out the snow-falling window. Glory.

For me, last week marked the worst week of the 2013-2014 school year. It was a week filled with kicked chairs, pushed tables, and first grade fits of exhausting behavior from a special friend. While the week was horrendous, I was reminded of a powerful truth that will forever be at the forefront of my mind.

When you work so hard each day to be successful and do not see immediate results, it's easy and dangerous to begin to trade your identity in Christ for your identity in your profession. I realized early on last week I was beginning to do this. I put so much pressure on myself to perform well in the classroom, to "fix" every unacceptable behavior, and when this does not happen immediately, my mind transfers this as, "You aren't good enough. You aren't made to be a teacher. Why is this your profession? How could you think you could make an impact on this child?"

Lies. To the one whose name goes unnamed - you are absolutely not welcome to come creep in on my heart. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

My profession, as an educator, is absolutely not my identity. Yes, I am a teacher, however that is a small portion of who I am. I am also a roommate, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend. Most importantly, I am a child of GOD.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" (1John 3:1)

Therefore, when the hour, day, week, month, becomes draining I will cling to the Truth from the One who has overcome the world.

"...you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." 

(1John 2:14)

Abba Father. Thank you for weeks that are terrible. It is in moments such as these where You are so quick to remind us of Your Truth, Your Love, and Your favor. Thank you. Thank you for calling me Yours. I will take up my cross and follow You forward.

Amen.

To HIM.

To: HIM
From: A selfish heart

Father, thank you. Thank you for the strength You've given me to wake up each morning with an expectant, patient heart. I was not excited to return back to school after Christmas break and You knew that. You knew that and carried me.

It's Thursday and I'm sleepy and ready for Friday. Tonight I lay here on my bed with tears in my eyes realizing the depth of my selfishness. And Father I ask for forgiveness. I actually dreaded returning to school and as I reflect on why I find only selfish reasons. It's hard work to plan 8 hours of 20 little people's lives, getting up early when it's 10 degrees outside isn't my first choice as part of a wake-up routine, and patience with various children's home lives is hard to attain on my own.

I pray these selfish reasons would somehow shift and become reasons why I am expectant to return to school each day. I pray I would daily take up my cross and follow You. I pray my heart would be filled with Your love and that out of Your fullness You would overflow onto each person I come in contact with at school. For Yours is the Kingdom, the power, the glory, forever.

Forgive me for thinking this life is about pleasing me. This life is about You. This life is about making sure every soul has the opportunity to meet You, fall in Love with You, and follow You. Thank you for choosing me, my selfish heart and all.

Love,
A forgiven heart

Little Love Notes

It's notes like these that remind me why I do what I do...

Precious Moments.

Little faces. Sweet smiles. Unique laughs. Lightbulbs going off. Excitement for reading. New passions for math. A God that reigns over all things.

These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to, otherwise, honestly I would just lose hope.

Teaching in a school where substitutes avoid and parental involvement is scarce is without a doubt hard work. When you focus on the aspects that are difficult, it does not seem like you're making a difference. However, when those little faces light up and topics you have been teaching finally seem to make sense in those little brains, it all becomes worthwhile.

I may not be able to change 60 lives, 100 lives, or 200 lives. However, I can greet each student with a genuine smile and a tight hug. They may not have received either of those simple gestures as they walked out the door to come to school from their home, hotel room, Grandma's house, or foster parent's house. A simple smile and greeting. I can do that.

Or, speak words of love and life to a student who randomly walks up to me during a math lesson and gives me a hug with sweet, endearing brown eyes. He looks up and says, "I love you". I will absolutely say, "I love you" back, because I do. I love those little people and I pray daily my heart would be broken and wrecked for them. I pray my heart would increase with love, patience, kindness, and understanding, because they are 5, 6, and 7 years old and need grace and a gentle, loving touch. Lord, would you use me?

Or, to the student who immediately comes up to hold my hands, and is absolutely enamored, during recess. Maybe I choose to hold her hands a little extra longer and say a quiet prayer over her? She walks with a quiet, sweet spirit in small, torn black and red shoes, her coat dirty and starting to wear. Her braids were coming undone but now, since it was her birthday, she wears tight braids and colorful clips in her hair. She is beautiful. So, yes, I can hold her sweet hands a little longer.

They say students who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. While this school is a place some people avoid, I will choose to love with all of my being. I will choose to walk through the doors knowing the Lord has great plans for each student. I will choose to teach meaningfully, smile, hug, and speak words of love. I will choose to dismiss the negative aspects and focus on the positive.

Little faces, sweet smiles, unique laughs.

These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to.

Lord, I love you. Use me as you wish in a place that is difficult. Give me new patience, understanding, and wisdom as I walk through those school doors tomorrow. This life is not my own, to You I belong. Thank you for making me new, for calling me worthy, for giving me grace. Help me to extend the grace I've been given to those around me.

Amen.