To: HIM
From: A selfish heart
Father, thank you. Thank you for the strength You've given me to wake up each morning with an expectant, patient heart. I was not excited to return back to school after Christmas break and You knew that. You knew that and carried me.
It's Thursday and I'm sleepy and ready for Friday. Tonight I lay here on my bed with tears in my eyes realizing the depth of my selfishness. And Father I ask for forgiveness. I actually dreaded returning to school and as I reflect on why I find only selfish reasons. It's hard work to plan 8 hours of 20 little people's lives, getting up early when it's 10 degrees outside isn't my first choice as part of a wake-up routine, and patience with various children's home lives is hard to attain on my own.
I pray these selfish reasons would somehow shift and become reasons why I am expectant to return to school each day. I pray I would daily take up my cross and follow You. I pray my heart would be filled with Your love and that out of Your fullness You would overflow onto each person I come in contact with at school. For Yours is the Kingdom, the power, the glory, forever.
Forgive me for thinking this life is about pleasing me. This life is about You. This life is about making sure every soul has the opportunity to meet You, fall in Love with You, and follow You. Thank you for choosing me, my selfish heart and all.
Love,
A forgiven heart
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Monday, December 23, 2013
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Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Precious Moments.
Little faces. Sweet smiles. Unique laughs. Lightbulbs going off. Excitement for reading. New passions for math. A God that reigns over all things.
These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to, otherwise, honestly I would just lose hope.
Teaching in a school where substitutes avoid and parental involvement is scarce is without a doubt hard work. When you focus on the aspects that are difficult, it does not seem like you're making a difference. However, when those little faces light up and topics you have been teaching finally seem to make sense in those little brains, it all becomes worthwhile.
I may not be able to change 60 lives, 100 lives, or 200 lives. However, I can greet each student with a genuine smile and a tight hug. They may not have received either of those simple gestures as they walked out the door to come to school from their home, hotel room, Grandma's house, or foster parent's house. A simple smile and greeting. I can do that.
Or, speak words of love and life to a student who randomly walks up to me during a math lesson and gives me a hug with sweet, endearing brown eyes. He looks up and says, "I love you". I will absolutely say, "I love you" back, because I do. I love those little people and I pray daily my heart would be broken and wrecked for them. I pray my heart would increase with love, patience, kindness, and understanding, because they are 5, 6, and 7 years old and need grace and a gentle, loving touch. Lord, would you use me?
Or, to the student who immediately comes up to hold my hands, and is absolutely enamored, during recess. Maybe I choose to hold her hands a little extra longer and say a quiet prayer over her? She walks with a quiet, sweet spirit in small, torn black and red shoes, her coat dirty and starting to wear. Her braids were coming undone but now, since it was her birthday, she wears tight braids and colorful clips in her hair. She is beautiful. So, yes, I can hold her sweet hands a little longer.
They say students who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. While this school is a place some people avoid, I will choose to love with all of my being. I will choose to walk through the doors knowing the Lord has great plans for each student. I will choose to teach meaningfully, smile, hug, and speak words of love. I will choose to dismiss the negative aspects and focus on the positive.
Little faces, sweet smiles, unique laughs.
These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to.
Lord, I love you. Use me as you wish in a place that is difficult. Give me new patience, understanding, and wisdom as I walk through those school doors tomorrow. This life is not my own, to You I belong. Thank you for making me new, for calling me worthy, for giving me grace. Help me to extend the grace I've been given to those around me.
Amen.
These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to, otherwise, honestly I would just lose hope.
Teaching in a school where substitutes avoid and parental involvement is scarce is without a doubt hard work. When you focus on the aspects that are difficult, it does not seem like you're making a difference. However, when those little faces light up and topics you have been teaching finally seem to make sense in those little brains, it all becomes worthwhile.
I may not be able to change 60 lives, 100 lives, or 200 lives. However, I can greet each student with a genuine smile and a tight hug. They may not have received either of those simple gestures as they walked out the door to come to school from their home, hotel room, Grandma's house, or foster parent's house. A simple smile and greeting. I can do that.
Or, speak words of love and life to a student who randomly walks up to me during a math lesson and gives me a hug with sweet, endearing brown eyes. He looks up and says, "I love you". I will absolutely say, "I love you" back, because I do. I love those little people and I pray daily my heart would be broken and wrecked for them. I pray my heart would increase with love, patience, kindness, and understanding, because they are 5, 6, and 7 years old and need grace and a gentle, loving touch. Lord, would you use me?
Or, to the student who immediately comes up to hold my hands, and is absolutely enamored, during recess. Maybe I choose to hold her hands a little extra longer and say a quiet prayer over her? She walks with a quiet, sweet spirit in small, torn black and red shoes, her coat dirty and starting to wear. Her braids were coming undone but now, since it was her birthday, she wears tight braids and colorful clips in her hair. She is beautiful. So, yes, I can hold her sweet hands a little longer.
They say students who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. While this school is a place some people avoid, I will choose to love with all of my being. I will choose to walk through the doors knowing the Lord has great plans for each student. I will choose to teach meaningfully, smile, hug, and speak words of love. I will choose to dismiss the negative aspects and focus on the positive.
Little faces, sweet smiles, unique laughs.
These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to.
Lord, I love you. Use me as you wish in a place that is difficult. Give me new patience, understanding, and wisdom as I walk through those school doors tomorrow. This life is not my own, to You I belong. Thank you for making me new, for calling me worthy, for giving me grace. Help me to extend the grace I've been given to those around me.
Amen.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Box of Perfection
Well, what a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. My mind has been jumping and swirling in thousands of directions it seems. From principal observations, to report cards, to parent teacher conferences, to lesson plans, to new ideas that need to be implemented in my classroom, to just living life. Whirlwind.
Yesterday I felt a new sense of freedom and release from this crazy life whirlwind. I, along with many other women, were blessed to have a "retreat day" focused solely on resting and praying at the feet of Jesus all day.
Gosh, it was needed.
There were many focused prayer stations on topics like identity and freedom. Throughout the afternoon I heard a Whisper that became louder and louder. As I reflected on who I was I realized I had been holding the burden of needing to be "perfect" which, of course, is unattainable.
I have left school so many days these past few weeks carrying the weight of feeling like a failure, feeling unworthy, not good enough and not doing enough in the classroom, someone who makes a thousand mistakes in a day. I wanted to be a "perfect" teacher and I just cannot be that. Not only did this feeling of "perfection" carry into the classroom, I realized it was also carrying into other aspects of my life as well. Seeping in the depths of my heart slowly. I needed to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and I just cannot be those things.
That sweet Whisper spoke gently. He said so simply, "Break out of your box of perfection."
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1
All of a sudden the weight was lifted. No longer am I to live in the box of perfection. I am enough. I do enough, I love enough, I try enough, and that is enough.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
- 2Corinthians12:9
I feel a new excitement for walking in my classroom, which is something I have been praying for. If I am honest I have been dreading walking in the school building for weeks.
I feel a deeper love for my little friends. Tears come to my eyes when I think of their sweet faces, each one needing to see more of Jesus.
I feel purpose and I feel imperfect and it feels enough.
He has set me free from a burden that has been slowly bearing weight on my shoulders for years. He is King of my heart. He calls me daughter and He calls me "wonderfully made". He calls me enough.
Father, thank you. Thank you for knowing just what I need, when I need it. Thank you for trading my imperfections with your perfect love and perfect grace. I love you. I need you. Help me to seek Your Kingdom above all else as I walk through my days.
Amen.
Yesterday I felt a new sense of freedom and release from this crazy life whirlwind. I, along with many other women, were blessed to have a "retreat day" focused solely on resting and praying at the feet of Jesus all day.
Gosh, it was needed.
There were many focused prayer stations on topics like identity and freedom. Throughout the afternoon I heard a Whisper that became louder and louder. As I reflected on who I was I realized I had been holding the burden of needing to be "perfect" which, of course, is unattainable.
I have left school so many days these past few weeks carrying the weight of feeling like a failure, feeling unworthy, not good enough and not doing enough in the classroom, someone who makes a thousand mistakes in a day. I wanted to be a "perfect" teacher and I just cannot be that. Not only did this feeling of "perfection" carry into the classroom, I realized it was also carrying into other aspects of my life as well. Seeping in the depths of my heart slowly. I needed to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and I just cannot be those things.
That sweet Whisper spoke gently. He said so simply, "Break out of your box of perfection."
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1
All of a sudden the weight was lifted. No longer am I to live in the box of perfection. I am enough. I do enough, I love enough, I try enough, and that is enough.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
- 2Corinthians12:9
I feel a new excitement for walking in my classroom, which is something I have been praying for. If I am honest I have been dreading walking in the school building for weeks.
I feel a deeper love for my little friends. Tears come to my eyes when I think of their sweet faces, each one needing to see more of Jesus.
I feel purpose and I feel imperfect and it feels enough.
He has set me free from a burden that has been slowly bearing weight on my shoulders for years. He is King of my heart. He calls me daughter and He calls me "wonderfully made". He calls me enough.
Father, thank you. Thank you for knowing just what I need, when I need it. Thank you for trading my imperfections with your perfect love and perfect grace. I love you. I need you. Help me to seek Your Kingdom above all else as I walk through my days.
Amen.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Better than you found them.
 |
| Jesus, let this be a prayer of my heart. Amen. |
The past few weeks I have been reminded of a lesson I thought I had learned years ago.
I am not in control. I cannot do life by myself. I am not a miracle worker. Only God can do those things and I am not God.
Such a simple truth, yet, life becomes busy and my flesh gets the best of me. These past few weeks I would wake, dragging my feet, feeling the burden of the school day. Lessons to teach, assessments to give, phone calls to parents to make, and little people to greet with a smile at 8:15 am. Some days I feel like school is a three-ring circus, other days I feel like it's a boxing match and I am the punching bad. Yet, I have to remember those precious smiles, sweet hugs, and "Goodbye, Ms. Teddy! Have a great afternoon!"
It comes down to trust. When I try to do life by myself, ultimately, I am not trusting that the God of the Universe can handle my day-to-day stresses. He's the God of the Universe and He could choose to literally move a mountain or turn water to wine. Clearly He can handle an unruly 6 year old and a teacher who is in need of daily grace. He's got it. All I have to do is trust. All I have to do is call out a simple prayer to hand it over, "Jesus, I need help."
There is power in the Name of Jesus.
It's in that moment that the burden has been handed over and trust has been increased.
Jesus, I need help. Everyday I need You. Let Your Face be radiant upon mine so those little people see only the love that You embody.
Amen.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Life as a teacher has begun. Summertime was easy, carefree, and relaxing. For me, the first week of school was the complete opposite. Hard, draining, and rapid paced. I am baffled at how quickly I forgot all that teaching entails. If I could sum up the past week in one word it would be heartbreaking. The heartbreak that comes with teaching so many little friends from hard, painful, different backgrounds is almost overwhelming.
These first few days of school have broken my heart in ways never felt before. To think on some of my little friend's life stories brings me to tears. Their lives are filled with broken families, hurt, rejection, malice, and an ultimate need for new life. They are only 5, 6, and 7 years old, yet they have stories of many 30 year olds. They cannot comprehend the life situations they are going through.
This week I found myself asking God why? Why are these innocent children having to go through these hard, life altering situations? Why? One night this week, laying in bed, I found myself weeping over this question. Father, I know You are good and You love Your people with a love that is matchless, so why have these things happened to these innocent babies, why? My mind felt burdened, stressed, and full of worry for these children. Later, I would recognize this feeling was a result of a lack of trust in God and a lack of handing over all of my emotions and feelings. All these terrible things are results of darkness, the fall of man. They are not of the Lord.
The next school day I woke, got to school, and immediately felt sick. Splitting headache, nauseous, cold and pale-faced, unable to focus, kind of sick. Thank goodness for a team who is the most loving and knows the perfect remedy to sickness - medicine and Sprite - they saved the day. Overall, the school day was great, yet my heart still felt burdened. Later that day, 1Peter 5:7 came to mind, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I was so quick to forget. So quick to forget that the God of the Universe sent His one and only to conquer death and take on the sin of the world. Therefore, I can cast all anxiety on Him. He cares for me. He knows the number of hairs atop my head. He formed me before I came to life. He cares and the emotions of this world are not meant for me to carry.
He cares for me and He cares for every other person on the face of the planet. He desires for His people to know Him, love Him, spend time with Him, and learn His word. He loves righteousness and hates wickedness (Hebrews 1:9). He hates wickedness. I can only imagine the deep sorrow God must feel as He looks down upon His people and sees the brokenness, hurt, and malice. I wept and had a splitting headache and felt sick to my stomach over one child. I cannot imagine the sorrow God feels over the billions of people feeling this same type of brokenness.
I hate the brokenness of the world. I hate it. People need to feel freedom. People need to know the God who has saved their life, who has brought forgiveness and grace, and who loves them like no other. They need to know.
Chains must be broken and the power in the name of Jesus must be spoken.
Last Friday, a couple of my little friends spoke freedom over our school without even knowing it. It was math time and at the beginning of the year a few minutes of the day is spent exploring different math manipulatives. A couple of our Kindergarten girls were working with pattern blocks and began singing a song. I'm walking around monitoring and all of a sudden one of the girls yells out (it was the 2nd day of Kindergarten and we're still working on raising our hands...) "Ms. Teddy, you know this song?!" The lyrics went as follows...
I responded with a quick, "YES, I do know that song!" and definitely didn't stop them from singing. They sang with their sweet, soulful little voices and proclaimed freedom over our school. Freedom from darkness. "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ" (2Corinthians 4:6).
There is power in the simple name of Jesus and I pray daily these dark chains and strongholds are broken over these sweet families and little friends.
Amen. Let it be.
These first few days of school have broken my heart in ways never felt before. To think on some of my little friend's life stories brings me to tears. Their lives are filled with broken families, hurt, rejection, malice, and an ultimate need for new life. They are only 5, 6, and 7 years old, yet they have stories of many 30 year olds. They cannot comprehend the life situations they are going through.
This week I found myself asking God why? Why are these innocent children having to go through these hard, life altering situations? Why? One night this week, laying in bed, I found myself weeping over this question. Father, I know You are good and You love Your people with a love that is matchless, so why have these things happened to these innocent babies, why? My mind felt burdened, stressed, and full of worry for these children. Later, I would recognize this feeling was a result of a lack of trust in God and a lack of handing over all of my emotions and feelings. All these terrible things are results of darkness, the fall of man. They are not of the Lord.
The next school day I woke, got to school, and immediately felt sick. Splitting headache, nauseous, cold and pale-faced, unable to focus, kind of sick. Thank goodness for a team who is the most loving and knows the perfect remedy to sickness - medicine and Sprite - they saved the day. Overall, the school day was great, yet my heart still felt burdened. Later that day, 1Peter 5:7 came to mind, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I was so quick to forget. So quick to forget that the God of the Universe sent His one and only to conquer death and take on the sin of the world. Therefore, I can cast all anxiety on Him. He cares for me. He knows the number of hairs atop my head. He formed me before I came to life. He cares and the emotions of this world are not meant for me to carry.
He cares for me and He cares for every other person on the face of the planet. He desires for His people to know Him, love Him, spend time with Him, and learn His word. He loves righteousness and hates wickedness (Hebrews 1:9). He hates wickedness. I can only imagine the deep sorrow God must feel as He looks down upon His people and sees the brokenness, hurt, and malice. I wept and had a splitting headache and felt sick to my stomach over one child. I cannot imagine the sorrow God feels over the billions of people feeling this same type of brokenness.
I hate the brokenness of the world. I hate it. People need to feel freedom. People need to know the God who has saved their life, who has brought forgiveness and grace, and who loves them like no other. They need to know.
Chains must be broken and the power in the name of Jesus must be spoken.
Last Friday, a couple of my little friends spoke freedom over our school without even knowing it. It was math time and at the beginning of the year a few minutes of the day is spent exploring different math manipulatives. A couple of our Kindergarten girls were working with pattern blocks and began singing a song. I'm walking around monitoring and all of a sudden one of the girls yells out (it was the 2nd day of Kindergarten and we're still working on raising our hands...) "Ms. Teddy, you know this song?!" The lyrics went as follows...
There is power in the name of Jesus
there is power in the name of Jesus
there is power in the name of Jesus
to break every chain
break every chain
break every chain
I responded with a quick, "YES, I do know that song!" and definitely didn't stop them from singing. They sang with their sweet, soulful little voices and proclaimed freedom over our school. Freedom from darkness. "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ" (2Corinthians 4:6).
There is power in the simple name of Jesus and I pray daily these dark chains and strongholds are broken over these sweet families and little friends.
Amen. Let it be.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Thy Kingdom Come
Summer is slowly but surely passing by. While it has gone by fast, what a sweet summer it has been. I looked at a calendar a couple of days ago and was blown away when I noticed that this is my last full week of summer. My heart stopped a little bit when I realized I may need to start thinking about school again. I will miss summertime, but I can't help but feel real excited when I think about seeing both new and old little friends at school.
Each school year has and will always be different but I will choose to believe the most positive things for the upcoming year. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1Thessalonians5:16-18) Father, let this be a constant prayer of my heart not only for school but in all aspects of life. It is a choice to rejoice in having a job that embodies a new adventure every day, to pray His Kingdom comes and blessings are shown throughout school, and to be thankful for each and every day no matter the struggles or difficulties that may arise. This is God's will, this is what He wants. To open and change our worldly, selfish perspective, to one that is focused and centered on Christ Jesus. Let it be.
Recently, I have been watching testimonies of famous stars and athletes from the website, I Am Second. If you've never heard of the website, it rocks. The people in the films are real, raw, and purely surrendered to God. Each person tells their story on how they came to know and call on Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and ends with the statement, "...I am second."
Three powerful words. I. Am. Second.
When I think about those three words I think about the culture we live in as Americans. Our culture tells us and reiterates a mindset of success, control, money, and selfish pursuit, the "American dream". The "American Dream" says, "I am first"and it's all about me. It's all about being successful, working hard for my success, starting a family, making sure my children are successful, and then retiring in a nice, comfortable place.
Yet, Kingdom living says, "I am second". Kingdom living says this...
"But seek his kingdom, and all these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Luke 12:31-33
"But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34
"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Mark 10:45
Kingdom living is more meaningful, more satisfying, more gratifying, than the "American Dream". It almost doesn't make sense. It seems upside down and counter-cultural because as Americans we are used to pursuing all things for "me, myself, and I". Yet, Kingdom living pursues all things for our Father in Heaven, Abba, God, Lord of Lords, and King of Kings.
To seek first his kingdom means laying down our desires, our wants, our needs for His. Lord, what do YOU want me to do? How can I serve YOU today? This life is not my own, to YOU I belong.
I. Am. Second.
You came to serve and give Your life as a ransom. Lord, let my life be a life of servanthood, a life of sharing Your Gospel with others, a life that is not about me.
I. Am. Second.
Father, let these three words be a constant prayer of my heart as I begin a new school year. My life is YOURS. I ask for Your perspective, Your eyes, Your heart, as I walk into school each day this year. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Build me up as Your servant, laying down my life for Yours. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be down, on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Amen.
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