Snow Day Thoughts.

What a glorious morning.

As a little girl snow days consisted of waking up early, putting on every bit of clothing known to man, and sledding down our neighbors massive hill until our pants were wet and fingers were frozen. Sleep did not happen because the excitement of waking up to a winter wonderland was too much to bear.

As a teacher snow days are a gift from God. Sleep is restful because you know you have the entire next day to yourself. Your mind is at ease because you know you won't be needed every second of the day. The pressures of performing well go out the window and all that's left to do is sit with a cup of coffee and gaze out the snow-falling window. Glory.

For me, last week marked the worst week of the 2013-2014 school year. It was a week filled with kicked chairs, pushed tables, and first grade fits of exhausting behavior from a special friend. While the week was horrendous, I was reminded of a powerful truth that will forever be at the forefront of my mind.

When you work so hard each day to be successful and do not see immediate results, it's easy and dangerous to begin to trade your identity in Christ for your identity in your profession. I realized early on last week I was beginning to do this. I put so much pressure on myself to perform well in the classroom, to "fix" every unacceptable behavior, and when this does not happen immediately, my mind transfers this as, "You aren't good enough. You aren't made to be a teacher. Why is this your profession? How could you think you could make an impact on this child?"

Lies. To the one whose name goes unnamed - you are absolutely not welcome to come creep in on my heart. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

My profession, as an educator, is absolutely not my identity. Yes, I am a teacher, however that is a small portion of who I am. I am also a roommate, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend. Most importantly, I am a child of GOD.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" (1John 3:1)

Therefore, when the hour, day, week, month, becomes draining I will cling to the Truth from the One who has overcome the world.

"...you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." 

(1John 2:14)

Abba Father. Thank you for weeks that are terrible. It is in moments such as these where You are so quick to remind us of Your Truth, Your Love, and Your favor. Thank you. Thank you for calling me Yours. I will take up my cross and follow You forward.

Amen.

To HIM.

To: HIM
From: A selfish heart

Father, thank you. Thank you for the strength You've given me to wake up each morning with an expectant, patient heart. I was not excited to return back to school after Christmas break and You knew that. You knew that and carried me.

It's Thursday and I'm sleepy and ready for Friday. Tonight I lay here on my bed with tears in my eyes realizing the depth of my selfishness. And Father I ask for forgiveness. I actually dreaded returning to school and as I reflect on why I find only selfish reasons. It's hard work to plan 8 hours of 20 little people's lives, getting up early when it's 10 degrees outside isn't my first choice as part of a wake-up routine, and patience with various children's home lives is hard to attain on my own.

I pray these selfish reasons would somehow shift and become reasons why I am expectant to return to school each day. I pray I would daily take up my cross and follow You. I pray my heart would be filled with Your love and that out of Your fullness You would overflow onto each person I come in contact with at school. For Yours is the Kingdom, the power, the glory, forever.

Forgive me for thinking this life is about pleasing me. This life is about You. This life is about making sure every soul has the opportunity to meet You, fall in Love with You, and follow You. Thank you for choosing me, my selfish heart and all.

Love,
A forgiven heart

Little Love Notes

It's notes like these that remind me why I do what I do...

Precious Moments.

Little faces. Sweet smiles. Unique laughs. Lightbulbs going off. Excitement for reading. New passions for math. A God that reigns over all things.

These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to, otherwise, honestly I would just lose hope.

Teaching in a school where substitutes avoid and parental involvement is scarce is without a doubt hard work. When you focus on the aspects that are difficult, it does not seem like you're making a difference. However, when those little faces light up and topics you have been teaching finally seem to make sense in those little brains, it all becomes worthwhile.

I may not be able to change 60 lives, 100 lives, or 200 lives. However, I can greet each student with a genuine smile and a tight hug. They may not have received either of those simple gestures as they walked out the door to come to school from their home, hotel room, Grandma's house, or foster parent's house. A simple smile and greeting. I can do that.

Or, speak words of love and life to a student who randomly walks up to me during a math lesson and gives me a hug with sweet, endearing brown eyes. He looks up and says, "I love you". I will absolutely say, "I love you" back, because I do. I love those little people and I pray daily my heart would be broken and wrecked for them. I pray my heart would increase with love, patience, kindness, and understanding, because they are 5, 6, and 7 years old and need grace and a gentle, loving touch. Lord, would you use me?

Or, to the student who immediately comes up to hold my hands, and is absolutely enamored, during recess. Maybe I choose to hold her hands a little extra longer and say a quiet prayer over her? She walks with a quiet, sweet spirit in small, torn black and red shoes, her coat dirty and starting to wear. Her braids were coming undone but now, since it was her birthday, she wears tight braids and colorful clips in her hair. She is beautiful. So, yes, I can hold her sweet hands a little longer.

They say students who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. While this school is a place some people avoid, I will choose to love with all of my being. I will choose to walk through the doors knowing the Lord has great plans for each student. I will choose to teach meaningfully, smile, hug, and speak words of love. I will choose to dismiss the negative aspects and focus on the positive.

Little faces, sweet smiles, unique laughs.

These are the aspects of teaching that I have to cling to.

Lord, I love you. Use me as you wish in a place that is difficult. Give me new patience, understanding, and wisdom as I walk through those school doors tomorrow. This life is not my own, to You I belong. Thank you for making me new, for calling me worthy, for giving me grace. Help me to extend the grace I've been given to those around me.

Amen.

Box of Perfection

Well, what a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. My mind has been jumping and swirling in thousands of directions it seems. From principal observations, to report cards, to parent teacher conferences, to lesson plans, to new ideas that need to be implemented in my classroom, to just living life. Whirlwind.

Yesterday I felt a new sense of freedom and release from this crazy life whirlwind. I, along with many other women, were blessed to have a "retreat day" focused solely on resting and praying at the feet of Jesus all day.

Gosh, it was needed.

There were many focused prayer stations on topics like identity and freedom. Throughout the afternoon I heard a Whisper that became louder and louder. As I reflected on who I was I realized I had been holding the burden of needing to be "perfect" which, of course, is unattainable.

I have left school so many days these past few weeks carrying the weight of feeling like a failure, feeling unworthy, not good enough and not doing enough in the classroom, someone who makes a thousand mistakes in a day. I wanted to be a "perfect" teacher and I just cannot be that. Not only did this feeling of "perfection" carry into the classroom, I realized it was also carrying into other aspects of my life as well. Seeping in the depths of my heart slowly. I needed to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and I just cannot be those things.

That sweet Whisper spoke gently. He said so simply, "Break out of your box of perfection."

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1

All of a sudden the weight was lifted. No longer am I to live in the box of perfection. I am enough. I do enough, I love enough, I try enough, and that is enough.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 
- 2Corinthians12:9

I feel a new excitement for walking in my classroom, which is something I have been praying for. If I am honest I have been dreading walking in the school building for weeks.

I feel a deeper love for my little friends. Tears come to my eyes when I think of their sweet faces, each one needing to see more of Jesus.

I feel purpose and I feel imperfect and it feels enough.

He has set me free from a burden that has been slowly bearing weight on my shoulders for years. He is King of my heart. He calls me daughter and He calls me "wonderfully made". He calls me enough.

Father, thank you. Thank you for knowing just what I need, when I need it. Thank you for trading my imperfections with your perfect love and perfect grace. I love you. I need you. Help me to seek Your Kingdom above all else as I walk through my days. 

Amen.

Better than you found them.

Jesus, let this be a prayer of my heart. Amen.

The past few weeks I have been reminded of a lesson I thought I had learned years ago. 

I am not in control. I cannot do life by myself. I am not a miracle worker. Only God can do those things and I am not God.

Such a simple truth, yet, life becomes busy and my flesh gets the best of me. These past few weeks I would wake, dragging my feet, feeling the burden of the school day. Lessons to teach, assessments to give, phone calls to parents to make, and little people to greet with a smile at 8:15 am. Some days I feel like school is a three-ring circus, other days I feel like it's a boxing match and I am the punching bad. Yet, I have to remember those precious smiles, sweet hugs, and "Goodbye, Ms. Teddy! Have a great afternoon!" 

It comes down to trust. When I try to do life by myself, ultimately, I am not trusting that the God of the Universe can handle my day-to-day stresses. He's the God of the Universe and He could choose to literally move a mountain or turn water to wine. Clearly He can handle an unruly 6 year old and a teacher who is in need of daily grace. He's got it. All I have to do is trust. All I have to do is call out a simple prayer to hand it over, "Jesus, I need help." 

There is power in the Name of Jesus. 

It's in that moment that the burden has been handed over and trust has been increased. 

Jesus, I need help. Everyday I need You. Let Your Face be radiant upon mine so those little people see only the love that You embody. 

Amen.

Life as a teacher has begun. Summertime was easy, carefree, and relaxing. For me, the first week of school was the complete opposite. Hard, draining, and rapid paced. I am baffled at how quickly I forgot all that teaching entails. If I could sum up the past week in one word it would be heartbreaking. The heartbreak that comes with teaching so many little friends from hard, painful, different backgrounds is almost overwhelming.

These first few days of school have broken my heart in ways never felt before. To think on some of my little friend's life stories brings me to tears. Their lives are filled with broken families, hurt, rejection, malice, and an ultimate need for new life. They are only 5, 6, and 7 years old, yet they have stories of many 30 year olds. They cannot comprehend the life situations they are going through.

This week I found myself asking God why? Why are these innocent children having to go through these hard, life altering situations? Why? One night this week, laying in bed, I found myself weeping over this question. Father, I know You are good and You love Your people with a love that is matchless, so why have these things happened to these innocent babies, why? My mind felt burdened, stressed, and full of worry for these children. Later, I would recognize this feeling was a result of a lack of trust in God and a lack of handing over all of my emotions and feelings. All these terrible things are results of darkness, the fall of man. They are not of the Lord.

The next school day I woke, got to school, and immediately felt sick. Splitting headache, nauseous, cold and pale-faced, unable to focus, kind of sick. Thank goodness for a team who is the most loving and knows the perfect remedy to sickness - medicine and Sprite - they saved the day. Overall, the school day was great, yet my heart still felt burdened. Later that day, 1Peter 5:7 came to mind, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I was so quick to forget. So quick to forget that the God of the Universe sent His one and only to conquer death and take on the sin of the world. Therefore, I can cast all anxiety on Him. He cares for me. He knows the number of hairs atop my head. He formed me before I came to life. He cares and the emotions of this world are not meant for me to carry.

He cares for me and He cares for every other person on the face of the planet. He desires for His people to know Him, love Him, spend time with Him, and learn His word. He loves righteousness and hates wickedness (Hebrews 1:9). He hates wickedness. I can only imagine the deep sorrow God must feel as He looks down upon His people and sees the brokenness, hurt, and malice. I wept and had a splitting headache and felt sick to my stomach over one child. I cannot imagine the sorrow God feels over the billions of people feeling this same type of brokenness.

I hate the brokenness of the world. I hate it. People need to feel freedom. People need to know the God who has saved their life, who has brought forgiveness and grace, and who loves them like no other. They need to know.

Chains must be broken and the power in the name of Jesus must be spoken.

Last Friday, a couple of my little friends spoke freedom over our school without even knowing it. It was math time and at the beginning of the year a few minutes of the day is spent exploring different math manipulatives. A couple of our Kindergarten girls were working with pattern blocks and began singing a song. I'm walking around monitoring and all of a sudden one of the girls yells out (it was the 2nd day of Kindergarten and we're still working on raising our hands...) "Ms. Teddy, you know this song?!" The lyrics went as follows...

There is power in the name of Jesus

there is power in the name of Jesus

there is power in the name of Jesus 

to break every chain

break every chain

break every chain

I responded with a quick, "YES, I do know that song!" and definitely didn't stop them from singing. They sang with their sweet, soulful little voices and proclaimed freedom over our school. Freedom from darkness. "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ" (2Corinthians 4:6). 

There is power in the simple name of Jesus and I pray daily these dark chains and strongholds are broken over these sweet families and little friends. 

Amen. Let it be.